


Bitter

by snapegirl



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8110333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snapegirl/pseuds/snapegirl
Summary: It wasn’t how she remembered it when their lips met. The bitterness lingered amidst the heat and desire was new, maybe it was the coffee she drank earlier but perhaps it was what she was about to tell her. A slight twist on Life in the Freezer.





	

“Ms Wolfe, walk with me, please.” Hanssen approached Bernie after she got her coffee.

“Mr Hanssen.” She lifted her paper cup in salute. “How can I help?”

“An old colleague of mine, Professor Elliot Hope, sent me an email yesterday, requesting our help to set up a trauma facility in Ukraine. With our previous experience of the Cardiac Trauma Unit and now the Trauma Unit on AAU, he is confident that we are suitable to pioneer such a specialty facility with significant scale.”

Blindsided, that was how she felt when she made the connection.

“Y-you want me to go to Ukraine?” She stopped in the middle of the corridor.

“The secondment would be a scheduled period of six weeks,” he inclined his head. “In which you will lead and train a team of surgeons, nurses and paramedics in Kiev. You will be on paid leave as of tomorrow for any preparation, the flight will leave this Saturday.”

“Tomorrow?!” she said incredulously. “I thought I told you not to expect miracles. I can’t just abandon the Trauma Unit here, a-and what about my family!” She was struggling to keep her voice down.

Guilt welled up within her as she thought of Cameron. All these time she was trying to make up for lost time, it was about to be undone in seconds.

“No,” she said forcefully.

“It is a very valuable experience, Ms Wolfe. I am sure the Trauma Unit here can benefit from this. If you are worried about the Unit in your absence, I can assure you that Ms Campbell will be more than capable to manage it.”

Serena.

She had completely forgotten about Serena in her shock, the guilt just kept expanding. Hanssen took her silence as contemplation.

“Take your time to mull it over but I would have to expect an answer by the end of this shift, thank you.” He walked off to the Nightingale Wing staircase after giving her a nod.

She had everything, a stable job, a son who would talk to her, friends that support her, why would she want that job?

 _But did she?_ A small nagging voice in her head reminded her as she walked into the ward in a daze.

Her daughter was still refusing to answer her calls or reply her messages, and the only friend she could truly be herself with was awkward with her because she couldn’t keep her lips to herself. No, her life was still a mess.

She didn’t know how she managed to get through the first two hours of her shift without misdiagnosing or killing anyone, perhaps Serena being tied up in theatre had contributed to that, but she did. As she secluded herself in the office under the pretence of paperwork, thoughts started to come in a more organised manner.

If Charlotte is not going to talk to her, six weeks won’t make any differences and Hanssen was right. Ukraine has a harsher environment than the NHS, if she managed to pull this off, the Trauma Bay could be improved so much without blowing away half the AAU budget.

Serena.

_Rule one of love: Never fall for a straight woman._

Bernie stared at the empty desk opposite her; it seemed just yesterday that they were talking about the Danny Morrison’s electromagnetic hypersensitivity. Gone were the days that she could be close to her for five minutes without Serena swallowing three times, inching away as each second past and fled after any conversation that was now only strictly professional; Bernie didn’t dare to approach her about anything but work.

Maybe removing herself from this will be good for both of them.

“Oh hello.” The voice sounded like honey appeared out of nowhere. “Dodging work are we?”

Bernie looked up to see Serena staring at her with a small smile tugging at the corner on her mouth. It wasn’t the full-blown grin she used to wear when she introduced Jason to the ward but it was something to her.

“How was the surgery?” She sat up slightly and focused on the files in front of her rather than the figure in bright pink shirt bending over the desk, trying to find something on the computer system.

“The usual complications, nothing I can’t handle.” Serena sounded distracted, must be looking for some patient record.

“Hmm, I’m sure you can.” Bernie realised quickly that the file has been done ages ago…but not by her. Strange.

“Bernie.”

Two things happened at the same time: the realisation that it was Serena’s handwriting and Serena said her name right beside her. Two short syllables with no sharp edges, a small burst of air at the start, followed by soft wool that wrapped around the tongue, caressing her ears. She didn’t know how she missed it but now that she noticed the way Serena said it, it just kept replaying again and again in her mind.

“I need to tell you something,” Serena continued.

Bernie looked up and instantly felt overwhelmed. She was standing way too close and the reverse in height difference made her jumped up from her seat to rectify it.

“Yes?”

She noticed Serena was gripping her own hands very tightly together.

“The thing is …” Serena began hesitantly. “I have been talking to Ric, and - it made me realised, t-that there are just some things, some chance you need to seize before it slips through your fingers.”

Her heart ached as she watched Serena so concentrated in finishing what she had prepared, her eyes stung as she guessed what was going to follow. Because she didn’t mean it, she couldn’t have, all the signals Bernie had ever received were negative, that after Robbie, Serena was just so desperate for affection that she was going for the next person available and willing.

Her.

“What I am trying to say is, I don’t want to forget what happened.” Serena continued, oblivious to Bernie’s inner turmoil. “I might be new to this but I want to give it a try.”

She stepped even closer and Bernie was rooted to the spot. She couldn’t move, more importantly, she didn’t want to. Selfish as she was, she longed for those lips against hers again: soft, sensuous, Serena’s.

It wasn’t how she remembered it when their lips met. The bitterness lingered amidst the heat and desire was new, maybe it was the coffee she drank earlier but perhaps it was what she was about to tell her. She didn’t know how to stop when she moved her lips against Serena’s and deepened the kiss.

Eventually, she had to because she wasn’t being fair to Serena by confusing her like this even though she wished everything it wasn’t the case, that this was a mutual affection.

“Hanssen offered me a six-week secondment to Ukraine to set up a trauma unit.” Bernie swallowed hard. “I said yes.”

She was going to tell Hanssen yes anyway.

Her stomach felt hollow when she saw the illuminating grin loosing its glow on Serena’s face.

“When are you leaving?”

“Wednesday.” Serena didn’t have to know that the flight would be on Saturday.

“Tomorrow. Wow. We could still have a go at it, right?” She still looked slightly hopeful.

Wrong choice of words. _Have a go at it._ Didn’t she tell Alex that? And look at where they are now, this had to stop.

“That won’t work, Serena.” Bernie started to tidy her desk and set about packing for her bag, she couldn’t stay here any longer.

“You can’t mean that.” Serena was not smiling anymore.

“I do, and maybe these six weeks would be a good chance to figure out what you really want.” She hoisted her bag up to her shoulder and made to leave the ward.

“What I really want - ?” Serena followed her out. “I know what I want.”

“Serena –” she tried to protest but Serena cut her off.

“I – I – I could come and see you,” Her pleading had a desperate edge.

“No.” She said the same thing to Hanssen but unlike this morning, she could see her own heart shattering into a million pieces.

“We could meet half way!” Serena had actually took hold of Bernie’s forearms and used them to steer her into facing her.

Bernie could see Raf and a nurse broke from the conversation they were having to observe the scene. In fact, the longer she stood in the ward, the more people she saw watching the pair of them.

Everyone will know by the end of today.

_The one thing that the NHS is always efficient at is the rumour mill._

She could hear it so clearly in Serena’s voice.

“Stop, please!” Bernie shook off her hands and walked out of the ward.

Her arms were free from any restrain but she could still feel the residue warmth of Serena’s hand distinctively imprinted on her.

Across the room, Raf watched on as his friend and colleague stormed from the ward. He had seen everything, as had almost everyone else, but he suspected he knew more about what was going on between the two consultants than anyone else. Looking at Serena’s mortified expression, he decided it was time to have a chat, sooner rather than later. By the time he had finished his instruction of keeping bed 5 on 30 minutes Obs to Nurse Morris, Serena was nowhere to be found.

15 minutes later, he found her sitting on the stairs between the ground floor and the section of the basement leading to the back of the morgue. No one ever used those staircase, the architect of the hospital seemed to have forgotten that there was already one for staff and relatives in case of fires; the dead, of course, would stay where they should be and never use the stairs.

“If it wasn’t midday, I would’ve bring a couple of bottles of Shiraz.” He sat down beside her.

He expected a witty, certainly bitter, reply. Not a grunt. Serena’s head leant heavily on the banister and her eyes were closed. She looked … drained, a stark contrast from this morning when she was slightly nervous but still grinning from time to time, even humming a bit while doing ward rounds.

“What happened, Serena?”

She shook her head.

“Remember what we talked about the English stiff upper lip?”

“I am just _so tired_ , Raf.”

“What happened on the ward earlier…” he trailed off, unsure how to proceed without getting his head bitten off.

“I have thoroughly humiliated myself and she left anyway. What is the point of all this? None.”

“Left?”

“A six-week secondment to Ukraine.” She squeezed her eyes tightly as if hoping this was all just a bad dream.

“So you two… are – were together?”

She scoffed. “Nothing like that. We kissed, that’s all.”

_Well, that’s a bit of an overreaction from Bernie._

“It is only temporary, she will be back.” He tried to reassure her but that sounded weak even to him.

“That is not the point.” Serena raised her head to the ceiling, taking deep and shuddering breaths. Raf could see her fighting not to start sobbing, he only saw that once of all the times they had known each other. Averting his eyes to give her some privacy, he focused on a lone ant that was climbing the wall.

He waited patiently for her to elaborate, or not to. The answer came when the ant reached the window ledge at the top of the wall.

“Everyone leaves in the end, everyone.”

–

Cameron let himself into his mother’s flat, expecting to find her getting ready to go for their regular Friday’s dinner.

Instead, the flat was pitch black and everything was in disarray.

“Mum?” he called out tentatively.

“I’m here.” The slurred response came from … under the coffee table?

He walked closer and saw a faint outline of a pair of legs sticking from the furniture.

“Mum, get out of there, that is not our family car.”

“Hmmm.” Bernie lazily replied but remained motionless.

Deciding that his mother was not going to leave the comfort on the carpet, he bent down, lifted the entire table up and set it beside her.

“Hello, mother.” He squinted down at the prone figure of Bernie and greeted her. “You don’t remember our dinner plan tonight.”

“Sorry, Cam, not in the mood.” She stretched out her arms and Cameron saw the empty tumbler just right next to her head.

“Morven told me,” he said bluntly as he sat down on the sofa.

“I didn’t know you are now firm friends with my colleagues.” Slowly but surely, Bernie raised her torso and used her elbows for support.

“Have you packed?” he asked calmly.

She blinked twice slowly. “Aren’t you angry? T-that I am leaving?”

“It’s Ukraine, messy though it is, at least it’s not a war zone. Plus we have been through worse than six weeks.” Cameron splayed his hands open.

A dry chuckle came from her throat. “You set the bar so low and I bleeding tripped on it.”

“So don’t go. You wouldn’t drown yourself in spirits if you are really that excited to go.”

“I have to. It is the right thing to do.” Bernie shook her head as if to clear it.

“To panic over a public relationship and run to the other side of the Europe? Sure it is.”

“Keep an eye out on Serena for me, will you, Cam?” She ignored his jab and requested instead.

He paused to look at his mother. His eyes had become adjusted with the darkness and he could see her pinched face turned upwards at him, a pleading glint in her eyes.

“Of course.”

–

Bernie stalked towards Hanssen’s office and opened the door without knocking. Her target, however, was not him.

It’s the woman who was sitting opposite him, staring at her with wide eyes, like the sun just came out from the west.

“Ms Wolfe!” Hanssen sounded scandalised. “Your plane was supposed to have _landed_ by now. What are you still doing at the hospital?”

“Yes I did get on the plane, thanks by the way, I never thought I would see a functional Lockheed McDonnell 3-12 let alone flown in one, the poor girl should belong in an aviation museum really.”

He choked on thin air before managing to spit out, “You turned the plane half way round.”

“Not really my fault I happened to smell smoke in the cabin, we had no choice but to divert back to where we started.” She leant against the door jam and said nonchalantly.

“Professor Hope – ” Hanssen was clenching his hand into a fist over the pile of paperwork.

“ – has been informed. He understood that there are just somethings that are meant to be.” She blinked and looked to her.

Serena Campbell was still staring at her but the shock has passed, a fiery shine took place instead. Bernie straightened up nervously.

“Since we no longer need a replacement for Ms Wolfe, I think we are done here, Ms Campbell, please head back to the ward.” He threw another stony look at Bernie and started to gather the paperwork.

They walked along the corridor in strained silence.

Serena spoke first when they were in the lift, “You could’ve died. Hanssen shouldn’t have hired a company with decrepit old planes.”

“The plane is perfectly air-worthy actually. The problem was that he hired a company where the CEO is someone who can be easily persuaded with £500, a Captain who was keen to get back to his scheduled man-with-a-van job and a First Officer who somehow has a box of matches at hand.” She said flippantly but her heart was running like she was on an obstacle course.

Instead of going for ground floor where AAU was at, Bernie realised Serena had opted for the basement.

She silently followed her out, stopping when Serena leant on a wall outside a wet lab.

“You came back, why?”

“Sorry?” she croaked, thinking about the general humidity of basements and it should not be that dry.

“You have a brilliant opportunity to get away from all these. Say what you like about my figuring out what I want but you were the one who was running away. What happened? The Ukrainian cold cramped your style?” Serena tilted her chin up defiantly, her face set with harsh lines but Bernie could see her eyes, those beautiful, fluid dark blue were filling up rapidly.

“You are right, I was afraid, afraid that you don’t actually feel that way for me, afraid that I am just a rebound for Robbie, afraid that it would crash and burn.” She swallowed hard. This might not be the side room on Keller but this felt very much like what happened with Alex. “So I got on the plane.”

“I really want to be angry with you.” She reached out and took hold of Bernie’s hand. “But you came back.”

She stared at their entwined hands, Serena’s relatively smaller hand closing around her own. The warmth spread through Bernie as if she had downed a hearty cup of tea.

“I didn’t realise how wrong I was until this morning. Raf told me about Robbie before I saw you.”

Bernie still remembered the swooping sensation of her stomach dropping out of her when Raf told her rather haughtily about Serena’s ex appearing on the ward after she had left Serena broken-hearted, wanting to start anew.

“I slapped him and told him to jog on.”

“How very crass of you, Serena Campbell.”

Serena laughed at that despite the tears gathered at the corner of her eyes. Then she promptly burst into sobs.

Bernie had dealt with a lot of crying people, soldiers, relatives, patients, they have all cried on her at some point but this was the first time that she floundered uselessly in front of her.

The decision of what to do next was taken out of her hand as Serena stepped forward and hugged her.

“I th-thought I was just tired, tired of p-people leaving me but, but w-when Robbie came back, all I c-c-could think of was you le-leaving and why was it h-him rather, than you.” Serena’s voice was garbled by her sobbing and the position of her face buried in Bernie’s shoulder but she managed to make out what she was saying.

“I am so sorry, I have been such a coward,” Bernie said as she tentatively brought her arms around Serena.

She felt Serena shook her head vigorously on her black shirt.

“You just got make up all over my best shirt.”

Serena huffed out a laugh and quickly lifted her head off her. “Don’t say that, you are not a coward. You are the bravest person I have ever known, and I am not saying that just because I am head-over-heels for you.”

 _Brave._ Bernie’s heart swelled to twice its size, reminding her why she decided to kiss her on the theatre floor.

“There was this young man, Arthur, who is so different from the Arthur we knew but reminded me so much of Jason and the CEO,” she chuckled. “You two would’ve gone on like a house on fire. I saw them and I see the two of you. It made me realised that not only did I not want to go to Ukraine, I _wanted to stay_.”

“It felt like the four longest days in my life.” Serena wiped the smudged mascara off her face but was only successful in getting more make up on her cheek.

“Come on, let get you back to the office and get that cleaned up.”

She started to move towards the lift but Serena refused to let her go.

“Hang on hang on, we are alone in a corridor, just reconciled, and you want to get back to the ward.” Serena arched an eyebrow and Bernie’s jaw dropped.

“W-what do you have in mind?” She swallowed once, twice but her throat still felt like sandpaper.

Serena was grinning widely, showing her teeth but her eyes were not predatory.

They were _amused._

“Just this.”  She got hold of Bernie’s collar, tugged slightly towards herself and…

Oh, that was glorious. It was unhurried and gentle; she could taste coffee but not the bitterness anymore. Sweet but with a bite.

“Cinnamon whirl, eh?” She asked breathlessly afterwards, lips still felt tingly.

“A girl needs her breakfast.”

“After I have gone through you tonight, you certainly will need more calories tomorrow morning.” Bernie turned her head and whispered into Serena’s ear.

She always thought crimson suited Serena perfectly.

“Come on.” Bernie extracted herself from the embrace but grabbed Serena’s hand. “Let’s really get you cleaned up and either take the day off or finish it together.”

“While holding hands?” Serena brandished their joined hands slightly but clearly had no intention to relinquish her hold.

“I am not letting go of you.” Bernie replied without looking back as they walked towards the lift.

**Author's Note:**

> It isn't a prediction, more of a 'I took the idea from the autumn trailer and run with it' sort of fic because the day MJN air appear in Holby is the day I go to heaven. Also I am a firm believer that Bernie will be gone for at least a few episodes.
> 
> Thanks Refreshingly-Original for taking a look at it and gave me some amazing feedback.


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